COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
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I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Who knew!
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.