What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
You Might Also Like
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
*orders delivery*
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Who does Amazon think I am?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia