I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.