What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
You Might Also Like
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
lmfao come on
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
im 7 sauces long
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
When you let grandma cat sit
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )