@Skullcat: I've done some pretty stupid things while I've been drunk, but in alcohol's defense, I've done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too.

@BackrowSeats: It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It'll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.

@fart: muppets cannot die and nobody else seems to be worried about this

@AnkCoupleTO: [police lineup] Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants? Me: Nope Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward? WB: *drooling* Goddamnit

@iinkedZombie: Me: You have to be nice or Santa won't deliver any toys this year. 5: Me: 5: My brother lets me play with his.