@ohpeetie: [ during job interview ] - "Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?" - "I give up, why?"

@electrolemon: i'm so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don't accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just "all the money you got"

@animaldrumss: Publisher: Mike we can't accept your children's book. It's far too stupid for even the stupidest child. me: It was supposed to be for adults

@onedumbshark: When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn't know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

@vineyille: FBI: I can’t unlock my phone Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache? FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised