What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”