What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.