What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
i was baptized in a car wash
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.