My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
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When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
this is the news I live for
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.