@pixelatedboat: What I would do if I had a falcon
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@cmfh111: my dad wouldn’t let me get a job in high school so I could enjoy the last time in my life I would be unemployed. joke’s on you, dad.
@AtticusFinch79: Me: Babe, can you zip this for me? Him: That's an inflatable sumo suit. Me: I'm flying United today. Him: Don't forget your helmet.
@JawnQSack: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.
@Caissie: My son on the morning of his prom: "Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night."