@SamGrittner: what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
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@therealeatwood: Instead of complaining that it’s hard to remove glitter, accept it. Embrace it. You are a shiny person now.
@Fickle_Filly: You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
@ch000ch: [pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire] hmmm [tastes remnants] i think i'll call it... Twizzlers
@Reverend_Scott: [car wreck] [hand reaches out] "Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback." [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]