What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
(Electricians.)