@imbrucetheshark: What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that's why
@BlairLoudly: I've easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages.
@UniqueDude2: [Meeting girlfriend's parents] Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks! <Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>