What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
just make the entire table out of coaster