What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
(yawn)
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.