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@jazmasta: What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor.
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle.
WIFE: Please don't.
ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*
@partlyfunny: If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
@clarkekant: It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.
@asimplesean: It's a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
@dshack8: Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*