I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?