I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.