What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
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I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Unimpressed
Lmfao
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…