What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My birthstone is kidney
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Guys, I found it.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.