@chapel3929: What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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@funnybeachgirl: Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.
@BeingTwiter: What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common?? . In each scenario, there's a dumb guy who didn't take it out in time.
@ojedge: [first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] "…& they all lived happily ever after" Customer: "That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'"