What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
You Might Also Like
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
monday
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Tony Hawk, age 6
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon