What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok