Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
monday
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house