What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
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This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
There are no pants in heaven.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
For anyone who needs this today
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Good morning y’all ☀️