What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I’m too immature for adultery.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.