@junejuly12: What idiot called it "salad" and not "la sad"
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@cajones113: Customer: I can't see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar? Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber C: That's not very healthy... Just the smokes then.
@GrantTanaka: me: [banging head on wall] wife: honey is something wrong me: [sobbing] I'M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
@therepoguy: If your wife says "take out the trash" do not reply with "you cooked it you take it out."
@TheRealRHB: Whoever first said "No news is good news" never had their cable & Internet go out for two days