What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
You Might Also Like
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go