Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
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What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all