@Vodkantots: What idiot called it "the clap" and not "dishonorable discharge?"
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@MartaEffing: My date thinks he's gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants. The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I'm wearing a skirt.
@thatdutchperson: Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'
@AaronMichael_: Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
@Donna_McCoy: Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.