[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
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What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I get distracted pretty eas
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
😂😂😂
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Never ghost your hitman.