What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state