what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
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Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
What is going on? 😅
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I didn’t come here to be called names
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.