What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
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If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
me 2 months after i graduated
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.