What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
My spirit animal is fried chicken