While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
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Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.