What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
You Might Also Like
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
This is my brand.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.