@OhNoSheTwitnt: What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
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@RumAndReeses: My husband grew a beard and suddenly I'm having to karate chop every woman we pass.
@Schmoodles: I call my bedroom 'The place where the magic happens' because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.
@007Pepe_Rex: Relationship status: I ran out of toilet paper a week ago. Update: I am now running out of paper towels.
@FlyoverJoel: The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.