What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”