Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.