Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
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Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
NASA has no chill
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered