unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]