@nice_mustard: what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
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@nPhelendriqal: A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
@hardlyrelevant: (pretending to be well-read to impress a girl) War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one “What was your favorite part?” I’d have to say the Peace
@sofarrsogud: ME: Yeah, I've heard that movie. FRIEND: You mean 'seen' that movie. ME: Ha ha. No! I'm on twitter. I haven't seen a movie in 3 years.