what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
You Might Also Like
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong