@IamEnidColeslaw: may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

@sageboggs: I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season

@simoncholland: The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@jakehightower34: Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory? Wonka: No, I'll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4. Oompa Loompa: We need a union...

@EFFFFFFYOU: Helping my kid memorize a list of cities and accidentally wrote a Pitbull song.