@jergarl: Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower. I know that now.

@mamatomy3: My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He's told every other person on earth and I didn't want y'all to be out of the loop.

@TheCatWhisprer: I don't think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.

@Teowulf: When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, "no one cares."

@954LeenO: Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.