@o__0Dev: I've finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

@DaddyJew: *6 opens piggy bank* Me: wtf where'd you get all that? 6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you'd never know

@bwebster76: Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don't have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?

@shadygrenade: Obama: Get Air Force One ready. Biden: OK! *runs off* Obama: The plane, not the movie. *Biden does 360* Biden: Yeah I know.

@agathagotstoned: May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie