@itsmovies: In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.

@ewfeez: Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”

@13spencer: To be fair, "old-fashioned" doesn't necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

@omgthatspunny: The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

@KalvinMacleod: [school] TEACHER: how was your summer? STUDENT: great, I grew a foot TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?