What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
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nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good