@Mindless4Miles: Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "How did your first day as a lifeguard go?" Me: "Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me."

@mydanimarie: It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I'm free to babysit tonight.

@rabiasquared: Me to my children: I would kill and die for you Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

@iwearaonesie: [watching TV] me: Where are your pants? toddler: I took them off so I could see better