Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
🙁
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead