What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
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Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
same energy
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Never forget.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.