What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
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HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?