What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.