[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
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[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.