The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
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Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Things will get butter, keep churning
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?