What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
You Might Also Like
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?