If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
No chill.