what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling