what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human