@NikkiGlaser: What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, "who emptied the dishwasher?!"
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@desusnice: i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he's nice enough to say both their first & last name
@BriarSly: Question: If a King runs a Kingdom...& an Emperor runs an Empire... Who runs a country?
@skickwriter: I stole one of those Krispy Kreme "HOT NOW" signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
@girl_a_whirl: *doorbell rings, I open door* Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species? Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it? Alien calls back to mothership: Can't I just vaporize her?