What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!