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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Taliband
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Help Wanted
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.