What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Lmao