What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
You Might Also Like
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I鈥檇 send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I鈥檇 be like oh the file must鈥檝e been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must鈥檝e done it 50 times?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can鈥檛 find and set them loose in your home.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 馃槖
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I don鈥檛 want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don鈥檛 fit us anymore.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
sure I鈥檒l interpret that dream for you, it鈥檚 about hydration, they鈥檙e all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later