What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
The Punning Dead.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.